Honesty

Hi,

So I’ve been here for 3 weeks now.

It doesn’t feel anything like 3 weeks.

I feel like a cut off island, where time and events occur but don’t really happen in the world I inhabit.

I feel lost in the unawareness of how time is passing.

My God is always with me, I believe that and recite the verse daily in my mind.

I do not feel as if I am in myself.

My head and heart both know that I am in a strange place.

It is as though I don’t think I am actually here.

I feel asleep, I am dreaming.

I lie in bed, looking at the strange ceiling.

I do not know this place, what am I doing here?

I pinch myself, the pain feels distant.

There has been nothing to bring me back to reality.
It is a struggle to even think that what I am writing is actually happening.

There are times when I feel a live, but in a calm and peace I am confused.

The people and “friendships” I’ve made don’t feel right. It is like a dream, where the others that I occupy it with just suddenly become friends. It’s spontaneous and I have no idea what happened. What have I done to have friends here?

I came with nothing.

Luggage accounts for nothing when you are by yourself in a strange country.

It is the bonds made through thick and thin, and that hold even through the pain of routine that make life, bearable.

One thing I know for sure is that I have these bonds, except I don’t where they are.

All I have is the logo of Skype on my computer.

My heart is concealed, afraid to come out.

Whether it is fear or loss or some other greater evil I cannot say.

But for now, I must persist.

Continue to face the day, take that step outside the dorm door every morning.

The Lord is my Sheperd…

I felt the need to write this piece of crazed writing for my own sanity. In years time I might look on this again as a taller, stronger me. But I wanted to preserve the raw truth of this place. I write this at 8:30am on Friday the 9^th of August 2013. It’s Eid, a festival but I don’t feel like celebrating (I don’t think that’s the first time I’ve said that). On this morning, I cannot conform nor deny that the things I have said are true, I cannot understand such things.

I want to say that this feeling is not quite like home sickness (I’ve had that at times too), it’s more like my heart knows it’s in a new place and is lost.

I know I’m not going insane. For even now I feel glad that I was able to write down something that feels so deep and fresh inside me.

I believe that what I have written is the pain of loneliness. For many, you could never understand. For the few that do please share your experiences with me.

I feel the need to hear the tales of others, rather than repeat my own to myself as I lie in bed. Reading is a lot more fun than telling.

But I will say that currently I feel like I understand Dorothy from the Wizard Of Oz more than I ever have. The saying ‘there’s no place like home’ has a much deeper meaning, I hope you can understand why.

And with that I shall wish you a happy Eid, the end of the Ramadhan fasting.

I cannot wait to see all your faces once again. I frequently dream of my own family, and imagine that moment when I see my Dad here with me.

I wish you all the best, Ashley J Wild.

A flower outside dorm at 7 in the morning. Thought you might like it?

Email me at: comanduash@gmail.com

I'd love to hear from you and any of your stories